Original Collage created by Hannah Loe.
Since I started having sex, I’ve always known that there are different types of sex I could be having. I’d often scoff at the puritanical view of sex as something that only happens between people that were in love. Kink and casual sex were my ways of rebelling against the godly way of viewing the act.
I wanted to experience sex as another form of expression.
Sex was a playing field, a stage. A place where I could revel in the carnal pleasures that most people were too prudish to own. A revolution in my pants for my bodily autonomy.
It wasn’t until I figured out how to have good sex that my perspective shifted. I used to be so focused on being able to have casual sex without it devaluing me as a person, that I forgot that sex isn’t just political. It’s not just a war I waged in the face of the status quo.
Beyond the drunken hookups and the hoe-tations, there was an opportunity for energetic transcendence.
The first time I downed mushroom caps and decided to have sex with someone I had a deep connection with, I transformed completely. Adding psychedelics to one of my favorite acts disrupted my understanding of the act itself.
It had never been explained to me that sex was a path to the divine. A path just as valid as meditation and religious piety. I also had the revelation that it’s a pathway more tangible for me than those practices.
Transcendent sex is tantric sex…. how do I even begin to explain this phenomenon that’s become a new-age spiritual buzzword? Tantra is a way of being that encapsulates all of life, but I’ll focus on the sexual part.
Through connection and intimacy, two souls can merge together by keeping themselves open to each other’s energy. Through vulnerability, breath work, and sound, the feminine energy is led by the masculine energy into cycling sexual energy through the body. If both people are open enough, the energy cycles through both bodies in a circuit of sorts.
I mention the masculine and feminine energies rather than men or women. This is because I’m referring to dominant and submissive energy. They aren’t gendered representations, but rather more like different charges. Current flows from positive to negative. That current keeps cycling and renewing. This cycling can also happen within one person rather than both people.
This all sounds mystical, I know. If I hadn’t experienced it myself, I wouldn’t believe that it was possible.
I’m the type of person who ALMOST believes in god, but I whole heatedly believe in tantra. For me, this energetic phenomenon is more accessible than god itself and in many ways has replaced my understanding of god.
This cycling of energy can reach a fever pitch that causes a golden light to fill the body and overwhelm the mind. It feels like getting connected to source or whatever energy created all reality. You cease to exist as anything but pleasure.
I’m about to delve into my understanding of what is needed for transcendent sex. First without the aid of plant medicines and then with them. I would like to point out that I’ve gotten glimpses of this energy with many different partners to varying degrees. But, I got a proper introduction through psychedelics and weed.
Here is what I consider to be the foundational work for tantric experiences.
1.) Address your trauma and the trauma your partner might have.
This is important because trauma is stored in the body. When you have sex in a tantric way you will bump into those big emotions. In fact, if you do it correctly, they’ll erupt out of your being, and you’ll have to deal with them. Tantric energy is so loving that the times when you weren’t cared for inevitably come up. It’s important to talk about any trauma you might have so that you both can go into the experience with awareness.
I’d add that going to therapy is likely necessary. Our society has a lot of issues and misconceptions around sex that need unlearning. A good therapist can help you dispel these while helping you deal with your trauma sexual or otherwise.
The inner work has to be done because tantra takes a lot of trust. You have to trust your partner, but also yourself. I used to have a lot of self-distrust when it came to choosing the right partners because of how badly it’s gone in the past. A lot of that baggage would keep me from being able to relax in sexual settings. It took a lot of work to pick better people, but also to recognize the progress I’d made in doing that.
2.) Become aware of how you and your partner view pleasure.
One of my previous partners preferred rougher sex and there’s nothing wrong with that, but that’s not my vibe. If I get put into that mood, I still need a lot of buildup and teasing so I can become ravenous enough to get into rough sex.
I had to have enough self-awareness to understand that, and I needed to feel safe to vocalize that. I would challenge you to approach the conversation of pleasure with as little judgment as possible. Vocalizing one’s needs involves a lot of vulnerability. Judgment is a quick way to show your partner that they aren’t safe with you.
If your expectations for your sexual encounters don’t align, you’ll have to compromise or end the connection. I know it’s easier said than done, but in my experience, it’s better to move on than to change how someone wants to experience pleasure. You run the risk of building resentment otherwise.
3.) Turn good sex into a practice just like meditation, exercising or anything else.
Good sex takes effort. It takes effort to become relaxed enough to open up.
You don’t get there on the first try, and it could take the 100th session to feel like you’re getting anywhere. Tantric sex involves opening yourself up through the love you have for the other person.
Love is what you’ll need to focus on to expand the energy in your body. Love tends to grow over time and as your partner shows you that they can be trusted with your energy, relaxation becomes easier. You’ll be able to open up in ways you never imagined. See your partner for who they are and accept them fully. Obviously, this is easier if you love them and even better if you love yourself as well. Both of you need to be good to each other.
4.) Make sex ritualistic.
By having your favorite scents, textures, and toys nearby you’ll feel more at ease. The process of getting those things out will signal to your mind that the vibe has changed. You’re about to enter a whole different field of energy, where you and your partner will be ready to play. The mind needs to associate the state you want to be in with visual cues and triggers (toys, oils etc). This can help you relax into that state easier. The human mind needs ritual.
Illustration is from: https://www.bacanika.com/seccion-historias/kama-sutra.html
5.) Figure out what positions feel good to you and your partner.
Most people rush to the Kama Sutra, but it’s easier to feel these things out first. I know my knees are shot to shit so I avoid positions that strain them. I’ve also learned that because I’m tall and my partners aren’t always as tall, pillows help immensely. Don’t suffer in a position for the sake of performing sex in a certain way, modify everything to your preference. I’m always listening to the ideas that pop into my head while I’m trying to find comfortable spots too. A good partner will patiently workshop the problem with you so you can both feel comfortable.
6.) Don’t be afraid to look or act weird.
I used to be so self-conscious about my flabby stomach, my weird melodic moans, my spasming body, and a whole lot of other things. To feel every pleasurable sensation, I had to let go of all those fears. I wanted to be wild and free, and I couldn’t be wild and free and scared.
I have a self-love practice that involves the body butter I put on my skin. It’s so sexy smelling and the process of oiling my body is very erotic for me. While I touch every part of my skin, I say wonderful things about myself. I compliment my soft thighs, laugh at the way my hair tickles my skin, marvel at how far my body has taken me, and show my appreciation. I find that connecting my affirmations to the physical act of oiling my skin, which I do every day, has helped me be consistent.
The goal for this is to just feel more love for myself. I don’t always feel this love for my body, but I still show my appreciation. If body positivity is a difficult goal, I would suggest aiming for body neutrality. Try to get to a point where you don’t feel as negatively about your body, rather than aiming to love it. By focusing on appreciating the functions my body performs, I can shift my focus from its appearance to its capabilities.
I vocalize whenever I’m doing something weird that makes me self-conscious during sex too. My partner tells me that he finds it sexy when I’m having an exorcism on his dick. Picking partners who are emotionally available to help you work through your fears is helpful. Vocalizing those fears out loud helps me get them out of my head. Hearing me say it out loud removes a lot of the power behind those fears as well.
I also work on finding permission to express myself from within. If my goal is to be wild and free, I’m not always going to be in the perfect lighting to accent my good side. Those things are just incompatible.
I’ve realized that I need to express myself to feel and land in my body (become grounded). Then I can revel in those physical pleasures. When I’m in my head about my insecurities, those insecurities disconnect me from my body. That motivates me to let go of my fears and feel my body more deeply.
Like all things, this is a practice and gets better over time. Don’t worry if you struggle with letting go of insecurities. Just try to love yourself through the process of letting go of those fears. Notice what helps you the most.
7.) Make a list of things that help you relax and commit to utilizing them.
Ylang Ylang helps me to relax. I also love it when my partner gives me orders, I tend to want to obey. I’ve told him that I need him to whisper in my ears to bring me back to my body and its pleasure. Sometimes, I beg him to be called a good girl because it sends me over the edge. All of those things put me at ease and bring me back to the pleasure between us.
Foreplay also needs to start 1 hour or 2 before sex. I find that we’re naturally teasing each other all the time anyway, but keeping that in mind helps me. I also have a bit of apprehension before sex starts so foreplay helps me relax into it.
8.) Own what you like and understand that your kinks are helpful paths to pleasure.
If what you’re doing is between consenting adults and no one is being hurt (if they don’t want to be), it’s game! The bedroom is often the last place adults have to play. Your inner child should get to come up with imaginative games, positions, and ideas. Flex your imagination because it’s the ultimate path to pleasure.
Kinks and fetishes also help your mind take a back seat. I think less when I’m exploring my favorite kinks and I enter a space that is unique and charged.
Illustrations by Brittany England
9.) For women or vagina owners, I’ve found that mapping your body’s pleasure zones is important.
Every vagina is different, and the difference can be difficult for your partner to understand. Notice what is going on when your partner licks, touches or presses into certain areas. You could even touch yourself and figure out what gets you going.
Noticing the changes will help you stay in your body instead of receding into your head and getting lost in your thoughts. The mental map you’re building of your pleasure zones is a cheat sheet you can hand over to a partner. Anyone can map their pleasure zones, just to be clear.
Having a mental picture/ intuitive map of your body can also help arouse you. Pleasure starts in the mind. I can have touch-less orgasms by concentrating on a region of my body and building the energy by fantasizing. The connection between the mind and the body exists, but in most cases, it just needs to be strengthened.
Capitalism takes advantage of this disconnect so it could take a lot of deconstruction of old paradigms to reunite them. Think about the efficacy of placebos, the mind obviously impacts the body.
We’re all orgasmic beings. Bliss is something that is intrinsic to our experience as humans, but life gets in the way of our access to it. By reuniting the body and the mind you’ll be able to embody orgasmic bliss whenever you’d like to.
10.) Men/penis owners, practice semen retention or figure out how to last longer in bed.
Tantric sex can take hours without either partner getting tired. That’s because sexual energy when it isn’t being expended gets renewed (recycled). For women, it’s easier for them to have multiple orgasms and renew this energy repeatedly.
For men, it’s more challenging. Men expend this energy when they ejaculate. Through kegel exercises and refraining from masturbation, men can separate ejaculation from orgasm. When this happens, men have multiple orgasms without needing a refractory period by skipping ejaculation altogether. It takes a lot of effort and practice to get to that point though.
A more attainable goal to focus on first is being able to last longer in bed.
My partner finds plenty of ways to tease and arouse me without using his penis. He’ll do this for hours and that lengthens our sessions. At this point, he just hovers his hands above my stomach, and I have an energetic orgasm. Our energy has become so attuned to each other that I have uncontrollable orgasms without much effort on his part.
In the beginning, though, he’d have to kiss my neck, nip, and bite me in the ways I love. He would eat me out until I begged for his cock. He’d pin me down and wrestle me into submission. He’d play mind games with me.
Foreplay can open your partner to new sensations outside of penetration and prolong sex for hours. It saves my partner from having to last in my vagina for so long and gets me so hot.
Sex is energetic, it’s mental and it can be physical.
Broadening the definition leads to unhurried experiences of indulgence.
You’ll find that building up those energetic reservoirs leads to explosive orgasms. Challenge yourself by savoring every moment leading up to entering the vagina. Make you and your partner wait, build up the longing.
Ok, I’ve waxed on for long enough! These are the basics to having good sex. It’s important to nurture your relationship before taking things deeper with tantric exercises. A good foundation builds a level of trust that you can fall back on when tantra gets weird. Oh, and it will get weird and feel foreign at first.
I’m going to have to write a part two so stay tuned for how psychedelics can be used as a tool to expand your tantric understanding. I’d also like to say that this is all taken from my personal experience and what I have read on the subject.
Tantra is something I’m still mastering, but there’s no destination, just the next level of experience.
